


i wonder if he knows (he's all i think about at night)

by imdepresssedd



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Happy ending though!, I'm Sorry, M/M, so much angst oh my god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25573279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imdepresssedd/pseuds/imdepresssedd
Summary: “I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe that I truly deserve you."
Relationships: Alex Elmslie/Will Lenney
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	i wonder if he knows (he's all i think about at night)

**Author's Note:**

> lil bit of backstory; i started writing this AGES ago and i mean AGES AGO and whenever i felt like absolute garbage i’d go back and just keep adding more to it, so this is literally just 100% a product of my own misery which Should explain why it’s so angsty and sad and Depressing buuut there’s a happy ending so there’s that
> 
> this is 100% me just projecting my own emotions onto alex & it's not well written at ALL it's so messy i need to pick a struggle.

Alex is not happy.

He's genuinely considering laying down in the middle of the road and waiting for a car to do its duty and end his sad, pathetic life.

“Hey, Alex! Wait!"

He stops and sighs, turning around to see Will jogging towards him, breathless.

"You alright, lad?"

The answer is no. He's not alright. He couldn't be farther from alright. And the boy standing in front of him, looking concerned and slightly out of breath, is a large part of the reason why. “I'm fine. Just a bit tired. Back aches.”

Will nods sympathetically. “You went pretty hard at training today.”

“Yeah.”

Will clears his throat. “I’ll see ya tomorrow, yeah?"

_ Unless I fucking keel over tonight.  _ “Yeah. See you.”

The last thing Alex sees before he's turning around and speed walking back to halls is Will's lips stretching into a small, kind smile.

-

Will is Alex’s ex-boyfriend. 

They dated for just over a year. It was sweet while it lasted - Will was sweet. He bought Alex flowers, held his hand in public, openly and proudly. He always put Alex first; before uni, before football, before his other friends, all of which were of extremely high importance to him. He put Alex before all of them, even when Alex was being difficult - he’d buy him a large tub of Ben & Jerry’s and kiss him and cuddle him and tickle his sides till he squealed. Will was everything he wanted and everything he didn’t deserve.

As fucked as it sounds, that was why things ended. Because Alex knew he didn’t deserve Will, and is it fair, to continue being with somebody you  _ know  _ you don’t deserve?

He told Will he needed time, that he was just not ready for that big of a commitment. And Will was sad - Alex was, too. But he kept on telling himself it was for the better.

They kissed for the last time that night, and then Will left, and Alex sobbed himself to sleep.

Now Will’s happily moved on, with a pretty - no, beautiful \- new girlfriend, who showed up to their football training today and cheered him on and kissed him for everyone on the team to see. And Alex is still a miserable fuck.

He can't even be angry; he has no right to be. Will deserves all the happiness in the world and then some, and that happiness just isn't with him. And he needs to learn to live with that.

-

Alex has barely managed to buckle up and start the car when his phone is vibrating, signalling a new text. It's from his roommate, George.

_ ur still coming to the party with me tonight yeah?? dont pull that 'im too tired' bs with me again young man 😡😡😡 _

Alex manages to crack a smile.  _ Good,  _ he thinks,  _ a distraction. _

-

The universe  _ has  _ to have some sort of vendetta against him. Because, really?

Of course __ Will's here, and of course she's with him. They look so good together. Like a proper couple. Will looks happy, and so does she.

A boy Alex isn't paying enough attention to figure out the identity of slides next to him. “Why do you look like you're ready to commit murder?” He pokes his cheek playfully.

Alex snaps out of it. He reminds himself again that Will is no longer his and he is no longer Will's, that he has nobody else to blame but himself for that fact, that Will can be with whoever the hell he wants to be with and it doesn't concern him in the slightest. “M’fine,” he turns to the voice, to find that it belonged to Brandon, one of his teammates.

Alex, being the anti-social hermit crab he is, isn't all  _ that  _ close to all of the guys on the team, even though he probably should be. He's only really close to George, James and Fraser (and technically Will, but, well,  _ that's  _ complicated now) and a select few others that do not include Brandon. So Alex can't help his confusion.

Brandon is grinning at him almost knowingly, eyebrow raised. “You sure don't look it.”

“I just fuckin’ hate parties.” He isn't lying; parties aren't his thing at all, never have been.

He'd rather be at home right now, curled up on his sofa with pizza and a movie. Will would join him back when they were still together; they'd squabble over which movies to watch - one time Alex had insisted on putting on  _ Titanic,  _ planning on watching it ironically and taking the piss for 3 hours. Instead, it ended with Alex sobbing into Will's chest while Will pressed kisses all over his face and reassured him that  _ it's only a movie, you wet wipe  _ to which Alex yelled  _ BUT IT WASN'T “ONLY” A MOVIE WAS IT WILL.  _ Will just laughed and kissed him some more, and Alex will probably deny to his grave that, although the movie was far too long and it broke his heart into a million pieces, he’d insisted on watching it again on multiple occasions after that just so that Will would keep kissing him and cooing the sweetest things into his ear when he'd start to cry.

“Alex - hey, Alex?"

He snaps out of it, looks at Brandon and sees his face full of concern and confusion, and realises he's crying. He quickly wipes his face with his sleeve, sniffing discreetly.

“Sorry.” He doesn’t know what else to say, really.

Brandon looks at him with pity, reaching into his pocket and taking out a mini pack of Kleenex and offering it to him. As Alex wipes his eyes and blows his nose noisily, Brandon says, “Tell you what, how about me and you get outta here and drive around a bit. We can go to the city park, look at the stars and shit. What do ya say?”

If Alex didn't know any better he'd think Brandon was asking him on a date. And because he's so fucking desperate to leave, he goes along with it.

He nods, even managing a small smile. He takes out his phone to let George know, watches Brandon take his out too, probably to do the same with whoever he came here with.

“Let's go.”

-

A little over an hour later sees Alex and Brandon lying on the damp grass, giggling like toddlers as they stare up at the sky and pretend to know the first damn thing about constellations.

Alex finds out that Brandon is pan. His parents are divorced and he lives with his dad, and he has 2 older sisters and 1 younger brother who lives with his mum and they all meet up once a week for a big family dinner. He tells Brandon he's bi, and has 1 younger brother who endlessly teases him but fiercely defends him if anyone else were to say a word out of line.

They talk about their plans - Brandon says he only went to uni to keep his dad happy, but hopes that one day he'll get the chance to pursue a career in professional football.

He says he wants to be settled down and married by the time he's 30. He doesn't care if it's with a woman or a man or anyone in between - he just wants someone who will love him unconditionally through and through and Alex agrees; he tries to ignore the deep ache in his chest when his heart reminds him that  _ he had that.  _ He had that with Will and  _ he blew it. _

They talk about school and how much it sucked, and then about everyone on the team - Brandon tells him that he should hang out with all of them more often, that they all wished he'd break out of his shell and open up to them. Alex promises he will, and means it.

Then, inevitably, “So, uh. What happened between you and Will?”

Alex sighs. He saw this coming, and tried planning what he'd say. He came up with nothing that wouldn't end in him ugly crying and making Brandon uncomfortable.

“It’s fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's none of my - ”

“No, no, it's alright,” he sits up, legs still stretched out in front of him, and Brandon follows. Alex decides to just be honest; the only people who know what really happened are George, James and Fraser. Telling them had been a weight off his shoulders. Right now, he's so weighed down it physically hurts; he needs to tell someone else.

He sighs again, brings his knees up to his chest and shuts his eyes.

“I broke up with him. Not because he did anything wrong - he did everything right, actually. He was amazing. I just have this problem where - ” he breaks off with a slight choke; breathes in deeply and wills himself not to cry. “If something feels too good to be true, I feel the need to get rid of it. Like, I'm not good enough to have it, you know? It sounds fucking stupid, I know. But it bugged me, a lot. I felt like such a sack of shit, because he was so _good_ to me, so fucking amazing and I felt like I didn't deserve it at all. It fucking killed me. So I just ended it.” He feels tears start to build up behind his eyelids, and swallows harshly. “I thought maybe I'd feel better. Not because he was gone, but because I loved him so much and wanted the best for him - and that wasn't _me.”_ He can feel his voice start to shake and he knows Brandon hears it too. “But then I just felt _worse._ I missed him so much. Sometimes I'd accidentally call or text him - when things got bad because he was _always_ there, he _always_ made it better, just by hugging me or kissing me or talking to me. But then I'd remember he wasn't mine anymore and I'd go crazy. I would hate myself. And now he's with somebody else and I'm just … I dunno. A massive fucking loser, I guess.”

It's quiet for a bit. Alex spares a glance at Brandon and sees him looking back thoughtfully. He looks away.

“I'm sorry.” Brandon whispers. Alex smiles softly.

“It’s okay, it's what I wanted, right?”

“No, I'm sorry you felt that way. Nobody deserves to feel so inadequate that they feel the need to eliminate the good in their life.”

“Wow. Do you write poetry or something?”

Brandon cracks a smile. “Yes.”

“What, seriously?!”

“No.”

“Oh.”

He shakes his head in a fond manner. “You're lucky you're cute.”

Alex grins and tries to swallow down the rising feeling in his chest. Will would always say that to him, when he was being stubborn and difficult.

Alex and Brandon talk for what feels like hours, and when Alex checks his phone for the time he sees that it literally had been hours. He's got multiple texts from George.

Brandon offers to drive him back. The inside of the car is as warm as they'd left it and it's absolutely spotless, not like Will's car with empty packets and wrappers he was always too lazy to throw out. Alex would always attempt to clean it out for him. He wonders if it’s still a mini pigsty, or if Will cleans it out by himself now. Or, maybe, if his girlfriend might do it for him instead.

Soon enough, he’s parked just outside Alex’s place.

“Uh, Alex?” his voice is the smallest it's been all night, timid almost. Alex looks at him in question, takes his bottom lip between his teeth and waits. “I just… wanna let you know. I had so much fun tonight, I’ve never opened up like that to anyone before, not that fast. And I just want you to know that - I mean, I know you're probably still hung up on Will and I completely respect that and I'm not expecting much of you, but I was thinking, you know, maybe sometime in the future… we could - ”

Alex doesn't know what comes over him then but in the next moment he's leaning forward and pressing his lips to Brandon's, softly, tenderly. It's short and it's uncertain and it feels nothing like his and Will's first kiss, but it isn't  _ bad _ . It numbs that empty feeling in his chest a little. Just a little.

When he pulls away, Brandon's eyes are shut and he's got a small smile on his face. “So,” he whispers, opening his eyes slowly, his smile growing bigger until it's a full on ear to ear grin. “Will you go out with me, on a real date?”

Alex matches his smile, ignoring the weird, gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach, and nods. “Yes.”

-

"You and  _ Brandon?" _

Alex scowls at George's tone. "Jeez, thanks so much for the support,  _ friend.” _

They're on their way to football training, held in the uni’s dusty, historic old gym.

Alex isn't one to hide anything from George. Anything he does, George is the first to know. They've been best friends for years, and Alex loves and trusts him more than he can ever possibly put into words. He wouldn't hesitate to follow him to the ends of the earth, if he had to.

"Mate," George ignores Alex's scoff and continues. “I'm saying this because I  _ care, _ alright? I want you to be happy.”

Alex groans. “It’s  _ one  _ bloody date. It's not like I'm moving in with ‘im.”

George rolls his eyes as he shoulders the double doors to the gym open. Most of the others are already there, including Brandon. And Will.

Brandon catches his eye, a big grin etching its way onto his face. “Hey, Alex,” he says softly, but loud enough that everyone hears it and there's a brief pause before everyone's back to yelling obnoxiously again, dribbling and having meaningless small talk before their couch gets there.

Alex blushes furiously and smiles back, a small, shy smile. He makes the mistake of shifting his eyes to Will, who's only a few metres away from Brandon. His smile falls immediately at what he sees; Will's eyes are set in a hard stare, directed straight at him. His lips are straight and his jaw is set. Alex knows that look.

He quickly looks away, face burning.

He can  _ still _ feel Will's eyes on him but he chooses to ignore it, focusing intently on mindless conversation with George.

-

Despite it ending early, training ended up being unbearably long and it had little to do with the game itself.

They'd been split into two separate teams and had to play a couple games. Alex, George and James were all on the same team and Will and Brandon were on the opposite one. Even though they were literally on the same team, Will didn't pass the ball to Brandon even once - even when he was waving his hands all over the place, yelling _here! Here mate! I’m open!_ Will would always find someone else to pass it to. George found it absolutely hilarious.

Brandon walked up to Alex afterwards, when everyone was packing up, getting ready to leave. He told him how well he played today and asked if he was ready for their date on Saturday.

It made Alex crazy uncomfortable, because Will was  _ right there _ and he could practically feel his cold hard stare on him, all fucking over him and he had to remind himself that he's doing  _ nothing wrong.  _ Will has a girlfriend. It’s okay.

He smiled at Brandon and said  _ yes,  _ he couldn't wait.

-

Alex remembers his and Will's first date.

He'd thought it was a joke, when Will asked him out. One of those awful pranks that boys love to pull on poor, unsuspecting introverts. He'd fallen victim to far too many of those and he's pretty sure that's where his trust issues stem from.

But Will had been dead serious. He'd even looked a little nervous, a cute little smile on his face and some purple and blue Forget Me Nots in his hand - for Alex, who had been stood just outside the library, ready to walk in and get a head start on the dozens of essays he had due before he was stopped in his tracks by a wide eyed, pink cheeked Will Lenney. The boy he’d known for what seemed like forever, though he’d only enjoyed a handful of conversations with him - all of which had left him with a pleasant warmth in his chest, one he’d continuously yearn for. Alex remembers feeling bewildered beyond belief.

He remembers Will launching into a whole story, rambling on and on about how he couldn't stop thinking about Alex and his quote  _ pretty eyes  _ and  _ cute little laugh  _ and how he could barely concentrate during football training anymore because of Alex and no matter what he did he just couldn't get him out of his head and  _ oh I woulda bought you an actual bouquet but I was running late this mornin’ so I just picked these from the park nearby, they're alright, though, aren't they? _

“So, will you let me take ya out?"

Alex had never seen anyone look happier than Will did when he said yes.

He'd made it all a surprise, telling Alex he'd simply have to show up and find out if he wanted to know what they'd be doing. This made getting ready a much harder process than it already would've been, considering Alex had a big fat pathetic loser crush on Will and wanted to look good for him.

“It’s gonna be  _ fine,” _ George had insisted, leaning against the door frame of Alex's bedroom, watching him frantically fish through his closet for something,  _ anything,  _ he deemed good enough to wear on this mystery date with Will. “ _ He’s  _ the one who asked you out, he likes you already, dumbass. He's not gonna give a shit what you  _ wear _ .”

“See, that's where you're wrong.” Alex had countered, still desperately rummaging through his stuff. “What if I show up looking like a complete bozo and he realises he fucked up and shouldn't have asked me out in the first place? He'll realise he made a mistake and tell me it was all a big fat joke and he never wanted to go out with me in the first place and then he'll go home and I’ll be stuck alone in the middle of nowhere, probably, and some old creep will kidnap me and sneak me off into some weird forest and chop my body up and throw me in a ditch and nobody will care and boom! There's a new Netflix special made on me."

There's a long pause, consisting of George looking at Alex like he's lost his fucking mind. Which, fair enough.

“I'm going to pretend you didn't say any of that. Please just get ready for your fucking date.”

Alex ended up just going with skinny jeans and a hoodie because  _ fuck it _ , he'd thought. Will didn't wanna tell him where they were going, so it's his fault if Alex isn’t dressed appropriately for the occasion.

Will had lied right to his face, in Alex's own humble opinion, when he'd told him he looked ‘beautiful’. He was just trying to be cute and romantic - Alex literally looked like this everyday - and it worked.

He did everything those guys in the movies do; held his car door open for Alex, jokingly bowing and saying “after you, m’lady” in an exaggerated posh accent. Alex failed at not rolling his eyes, and also failed at not giggling as he settled in and put on his seat belt. Will's car was clean then. Alex later found out that it'd basically been the first time Will had actually bothered tidying it up - just for Alex, because he'd wanted to impress him on their first date. By  _ cleaning his car.  _ Nerd.

Alex remembers constantly having to wipe his palms on his jeans as they drove to the unknown destination, they were so sweaty. Will made him nervous. He looked so good. He wasn't wearing anything too fancy, just a white button up and dark skinny jeans like Alex, but just glancing at him made Alex's heart jump in his chest, made him salivate slightly and he remembers suddenly wanting to leap out of the car window and run back home because there was no  _ way  _ that Will seriously wanted to be on this date with him. No way.

He remembers asking Will where the hell he was taking him well over 100 times, but Will didn't crack once.  _ It's a surprise. _

It  _ was  _ a surprise.

Will made him close his eyes, wrapping a blindfold around them for good measure. He sounded so adorably excited, so sweet when he told Alex, “wait here one sec, okay?” Alex remembers nodding and hearing Will's car door shut, and less than 10 seconds later his own door was being pulled open and he was hit by the crisp evening air.

He'd jumped at the feeling of a hand on his upper arm, hearing Will chuckle and assure him, “Don't worry, s’jus me. Not a kidnapper I promise.” He was led by Will, presumably through a parking lot, a mixture of anxiety and excitement coursing through him. His arms felt aflame - precisely where Will's hands were - and his legs felt like jelly. He remembers the muffled sounds of people chattering and squealing and yelling and laughing getting louder and clearer as they kept walking and wonders how he didn't figure it out earlier.

It was a concert; a fucking Twenty One Pilots concert. Will was a broke uni student, just like him, so their seats weren't exactly the greatest, but Alex didn't care.

The blindfold didn’t come off till they were at their seats and he was met with an empty stage and a grinning Will and _fuck,_ he remembers how the lights made Will look like a literal angel, his eyes so big and bright and blue. He remembers how badly he wanted to kiss him, have him kiss back, kiss until their lips were red and numb.

"George told me Twenty One Pilots was one of your favourite bands,” he'd beamed, his grin big and bashful. Alex remembers the physical effort and strain it took not to kiss him then. “I've been wanting to ask you out for quite a while now, but I had no idea what I'd do if you said yes. When I found out you were into them, this was the first thing that popped into my head. I saved up as much as I could and woke up at the ass crack of dawn to make sure I got 'em. It's not… yanno, front row or anything but,” he shrugs, looking sheepish, “I wanted to share this with you no matter what. If I was loaded with cash I swear I would've gotten you a meet and greet or somethin’.”

Alex remembers being speechless. He probably looked like such an idiot, stood there with his O shaped mouth and wide, teary eyes but Will was looking at him like he was treasure, something precious and beautiful, something to be cherished and loved. He would've kissed him, right there and then, if he had the guts to. But - again - he hadn't.

There was so much -  _ so much  _ he'd wanted to say in that moment. No one had ever put in so much effort for him,  _ just  _ for him. Even on the way there, in the car, he'd had some doubts left, constantly expecting Will to yell  _ SIKE!  _ and reveal that it was all a big, fat, sick joke. But right then he knew that Will was serious. He remembers feeling his heart grow 3 times in size that day.

“This is… the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me,” he'd whispered to him, voice thick with emotion, because articulating his emotions has never been a strong point.

He remembers thinking,  _ what did I do to deserve this? _ He hadn't realised he'd actually said it out loud, until Will was frowning at him, saying “you were just you, that was more than enough."

In that moment the lights came off and the screams went up, and before Alex knew it he was witnessing one of his favourite bands of all time play live for the first time ever. He'd thought maybe  _ that _ would've been the absolute highlight of his night.

But, really, the highlight was Will, with his big, bright smile and shining eyes. The way he kept looking over at Alex every now and then, like he wanted to make sure he was having the time of his life. And he was - Alex was having the best night of his life. He never wanted it to end.

When it did, and him and Will were stumbling back to the car, high on adrenaline and giggling all the way, Alex remembers that urge to kiss him grabbing ahold of him again. He remembers trying to reason with himself;  _ kissing on first dates is tacky.  _ But what if there wasn't a second date?  _ Will will think I'm easy. Will won't want to kiss me anyway. _

He'd been wrong. “I’m gonna kiss you now,” Will had said to him lowly once they were by the car, Alex’s back against the car door. His eyes were darting between Alex's, “and if you don't want that, it's okay. Just say no. But I  _ really  _ want to."

Alex remembers how embarrassingly quick he'd nodded his head.

In the moment he'd tell you it was fireworks, shocks of electricity lighting up his veins, rendering him dizzy and unable to think straight. In hindsight, he'll tell you the exact same thing.

The kiss didn't last that long - maybe 10 seconds at best. Alex wished it'd been longer.

They kissed again, when Will's car was parked outside Alex’s. He doesn't remember who leaned in first, maybe they both did, at the same time. It felt just as magical and life changing the second time as it did the first time.

He’ll never forget the soft, almost dazed look in Will's eyes when they finally pulled away, or the way he'd whispered, “Go out with me again? Tomorrow night?"

Alex did, and soon enough it grew to be more than just dates and kisses; Will became Alex's and Alex became Will’s.

He fell in love so quick and hard it blew him away sometimes. Admittedly, he didn't have very much prior experience with relationships, but he'd made his assumptions and he'd always had the impression that the initial spark you feel fades a little once you've pursued someone, that soon enough familiarity will replace infatuation. He figured that was only natural - his parents love each other dearly but they're not all over each other 24/7.

But, somehow, that never happened. Everything about Will  _ still _ knocked him off his feet months later, still snatched the breath from his lungs every time.

Now, he thinks it'll always be that way. He'll always be weak for Will. Will will move on - he's already halfway there - he'll get married, start a family. A white picket fence. He'll be happy, without Alex. Alex will just be a memory, at the very least hopefully a fond one.

-

Alex has a boyfriend now.

Brandon is sweet and caring and Alex's collection of single red roses has grown significantly since they started going out. He's everything Alex should want in a significant other.

But he isn't Will. His car isn't in a constant state of rubbish that Alex will grumble about to no avail. He doesn't argue with Alex about which songs to play on drives together, or tease him relentlessly for the smallest, most insignificant things. No; the inside of his car is spotless. He happily allows Alex to choose whatever song he wants, doesn't really care “as long as it sounds good". And he’s sensible - not spontaneous or reckless like Will.

When he kisses him, it's nice. But  _ nice _ is all it is. It doesn't grip him the way Will's kiss did, doesn't leave him reeling and lightheaded in the best way possible. He doesn't  _ crave _ it.

And Alex knows it's not his fault; Brandon's not doing anything  _ wrong.  _ He's a great kisser, a great boyfriend, a great person _. _ He just isn't Will.

Alex hopes he can get used to that soon.

-

Alex used to love it when Will got jealous. He wasn't the aggressive type at all - he didn't cuss people out or beat them up for hitting on Alex. He just subtly - well, the  _ subtlety  _ is up for debate, really - staked his claim.

Alex remembers one instance, wherein a guy had approached him as he was walking out of one of his lectures and asked him for his number. Just as Alex was about to open his mouth and gently let him down easy, he'd felt Will slide up behind him, wrapping his arms around him from behind and resting his head on his shoulder. "Hello, babe," he'd said it pretty casually, but his voice had an edge to it, a warning, that Alex knew was deliberate. A loud and clear  _ yep he's got a boyfriend and it's me sorry not sorry  _ laced underneath.

Alex loved it. And he loved it even more when Will fucked him into his mattress later, clearly trying to make a point though he really didn't need to. Alex  _ knew  _ he was his and he wouldn't have it any other way.

(Up until he fucked it all up but, you know,  _ details. _ )

-

They're at McDonald's, because Alex was hungry after practice and it was the closest place to eat so he and Brandon drove there in his car. It started raining mid-drive and it still didn't stop when they were parked, so they ran for it - an uncoordinated, ridiculous, giggly run for the McDonald's entrance. You'd never guess they were  _ technically _ athletes.

They're soaking wet but it's okay. Alex is happy.

As they talk, both cracking stupid jokes here and there, Alex takes the time to really look at Brandon; his golden brown eyes, his fair skin, his dark floppy hair. His lips are pink and plump and stretched into a big open mouthed smile and he's beautiful. Alex reminds himself that over and over.

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

Brandon chuckles at him. Alex laughs sheepishly.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

Alex bites his lip thoughtfully. “You.”

Brandon smirks at that, a playful glint in his eye, and Alex can see the light pink tint to his cheeks. “Cute.” Alex laughs.

It's still light out by the time they're leaving the restaurant and Alex doesn't feel like going home just yet. Neither does Brandon, so they drive to the park again; the one they'd snuck off to at the party, weeks and weeks ago. Brandon calls it  _ their  _ park.

They lie on the damp grass again - just like the first time, except this time they're closer and their hands are interlaced.

They don't talk as much (they pretty much burned themselves out at McDonald's) but it's nice to just lay there. The rains stopped and it's neither too hot nor too cold. Just perfect. Alex looks down at the hand laced with his.  _ Almost  _ perfect.

The moon makes its appearance and Brandon drives Alex home; the ride is silent save for the slow song on the radio and Alex is calm, peaceful. He's okay.

Their parting kiss is chaste and sweet. “See you tomorrow.” Brandon tells him, his voice equally as soft as his smile.

“See you.” He returns the smile, opening the door and stepping out. He stands on the sidewalk, watching with a wistful sigh as Brandon drives off.

“What does he have?”

Alex jumps, spinning around. It's Will, standing just outside the flat entrance.

He looks hurt but determined, jaw clenching like it did whenever Alex would get too close to other guys. It used to make Alex feel so special, got him so hot when Will would pull him to his side and squeeze his waist too tight, make a big show of kissing his neck.

“What?”

“What does he have that I didn't have?” he doesn't sound accusatory at all, just genuinely curious, like it's something he desperately needs to know.

Alex shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says firmly.

Will blinks. “Then… why?” he sounds so desperate, so beaten down and hurt. Alex hates himself.

“I - I don't…” he takes a deep breath. “I don't love him,” he blurts. “Not - not the way I loved you.”

Will snaps his eyes shut. “Loved?”

Alex shakes his head again. “Love. Not the way I  _ love _ you.”

There's a long pause. Will opens his eyes again, looking into Alex's. His next words knock him right off his feet. “Break up with him. Please.”

Alex's eyes widen. He can't believe what he's hearing. “I - I can't, Will, I - ”

“ _ Please,  _ Alex,” he steps closer, and Alex can see his eyes are shiny with unshed tears. “You - you  _ have _ to.”

“Will, we - we'll never work out. You deserve so much better than me, you deserve someone better, you have a  _ girlfriend." _

Will shakes his head. “She doesn't come close to you. You're everythin’ I want, Alex, you’re everything. Please, please give me another chance.”

Alex shakes his head, holding back his own tears because of course Will thinks it's somehow his own fault when it's not in the slightest. Of course Will blames himself when he did absolutely nothing wrong.

“Will, stop, please. I'm not worth it, just - ”

Will cuts him off, shaking his head as he walks over. Now that he's closer, it's clear how drunk he is. Alex should’ve known. “I love you so fuckin’ much. I can't let you go. Please just. Let me love you again,” he looks completely and utterly crestfallen, eyes pleading with him, and Alex really, really fucking hates himself.

“I love you, too, Will. But I - I just  _ can't _ .”

“Why? Why not?”

“Brandon.”

“Break up with ‘im.”

"Will, you have a  _ girlfriend - " _

“Not anymore.”

“You deserve so much better than me, Will, you can’t - ”

“There  _ is _ no one better, Alex!”

They probably look fucking ridiculous, stood in the middle of the sidewalk like this. Alex wonders if anyone can hear them.

It's silent for a few moments, until Will speaks up again. “I love you.” It’s whispered but Alex hears it loud and clear.

“I love you, too.”

-

Alex cries, after he finally convinces Will it's late and he needs to go home, that they'll talk another time. He cries and cries and cries until he physically can't anymore and he's just wailing pathetically, face red and wet. There's a damp blob in the middle of his pillowcase, a gross mixture of tears and snot and spit.

He wants to call Brandon, tell him he's so sorry but he can't do it anymore, can't lie to his face any longer. He considers it for a few minutes before he realises what a dick move that would be - breaking up with someone over the phone. He never wants to be  _ that _ person.

He wants to call Will and yell at him. For nothing, for everything. To say  _ fuck you.  _ To make sure he got home safe.

“Alex?” it's George. Alex mumbles something he thinks is barely audible and George is walking into his room, sitting on the edge of his bed and Alex doesn't have to look at him to know his face is painted with confusion and concern. He feels a hand rest on his arm. “What’s wrong, Al?”

He doesn't wanna lie to him; he never has before. But right now he doesn't even know where to begin. “Will,” is what he ends up choking out eventually.

"Will? What about Will - did something happen to him? Is he alive - ow!” Alex turned over and smacked his arm hard.

_ “Yes _ he's fucking alive, cunt. Don't - god - don't talk like that right now.” He's enough of an emotional wreck as it is and George isn't helping. He hears him sigh.

“I'm sorry, thought I’d try lighten up the mood. I hate seeing you like this. Who do I need to kill?”

“Me.” Alex mumbles into his pillow, not even remotely joking at this point. “Please.”

George snorts. “Seriously. What's happened?”

There's a short pause consisting of Alex collecting himself and trying very, very hard not to burst into fresh tears again. “I just love Will.”

There's another pause, this one longer, thicker. Eventually George breaks it. “And this is new?” it isn't mocking, or condescending at all. Just confused.

“I love him and he loves me,” he sobs harder. It makes no sense, and he looks and sounds fucking ridiculous and he knows it; his face is all gross and wet and snotty and so is the pillow it's pressed against and he's whining and wailing like a  _ baby. _

He can tell George is frowning without even glancing at him. “Clearly. But why are you crying?”

_ “Because.  _ He's fucking amazing and perfect and I'm just… I’m just  _ not. _ He deserves so much better than me, he deserves the world and I can't give that to him and that  _ hurts,  _ more than anything because I want that. I want him. I wanna give him everything but I fucking can’t - ”

" _ Alex _ . Stop. Look at me." Alex listens, sniffling as he slowly sits up beside George, legs crossed. He fights the urge to bring his knees up to his chest. He does that when he feels small, and pathetic. "You need to stop putting yourself down, alright? You’re way too hard on yourself. I honestly can’t think of a single person I know who deserves love and happiness more than you do.”

Alex wants to protest, but he knows George wouldn’t let him.

"You and Will deserve each other, alright? This is gonna sound well cringey, but you wanna know why I never felt the need to watch one of them stupid romantic comedies? Because I already had one right in front of me the entire fucking time you two were together. I've never seen someone so in love before, he looked at you like you're the second coming of Jesus. And he  _ still  _ does. You do realise that, right?" George laughs softly, arm gently coming to wrap around his shoulder. “Even when you broke it off, I knew you'd eventually find your way back to each other at some point. You can’t blame yourself for what happened. He’s the right person - and when you’re ready, it’ll be the right time.”

Alex nods.

He just needs time.

-

“Will spoke to me today.”

Alex freezes mid chew. They're in McDonald's again, third day in a row. Brandon's been quiet all day, giving Alex nothing but one worded responses, until now.

“Huh?” he says, though it sounds more like  _ hunhng?  _ due to his mouth full.

Brandon's expression is unreadable. “He told me I'm very lucky,” he says quietly. “To have you, that is. Said I should know that.”

Alex doesn't know how to feel, let alone what to say, so he says nothing. He swallows what’s in his mouth, nods stiffly. Then takes another bite out of his Big Mac.

-

Alex is scared.

He's fucking terrified. Terrified that Will will get over him, decide he's had enough and isn't going to wait for him anymore.

He's made the decision - that he'll break it off with Brandon. He doesn't know when, or how, or where. He just knows he's going to do it. At some point, somewhere. Definitely not over the phone, that's for sure.

But it's been a month and he still hasn't gathered up the courage and he's afraid because what if Will stops waiting? What if he isn't even waiting at all? What if he's finally realised Alex doesn't deserve him after all? What if he's moved on completely? Started catching feelings for someone new?

It all catches up to him one night at 2am and he finds himself scrambling for his phone. He still has Will's number, never planned on getting rid of it. He types out a message, not even thinking about where it's going; it's like his thumbs have a mind of their own.

_ please dont fall in love with someone else _

Before he can even think it through he's pressing send. It's too early in the morning for the regret to hit but he knows it will.

He doesn't remember falling asleep, but when he wakes it's to a new text message from Will.

_ don't worry. it's always gonna be you, Alex _

-

Brandon's kissing him, all over - his mouth, his jaw, all the way down to his collarbones, sucking bruises into the skin there.

He's breathing words into Alex's neck, warm and damp. Telling him how pretty he is, how hot, how perfect.

They're stumbling into Alex's room; nobody's home. George has classes all day.

Alex's mind is racing. So is his heart. It almost hurts, slamming against his ribcage like it's fighting to burst out. He feels like he's suffocating. He needs to, he  _ needs _ to say it - he needs to just -

“Stop.” It’s too quiet, barely above a whisper. He couldn't have heard it. “Brandon, Brandon  _ stop. _ ”

He quickly pulls away, questioning eyes meeting Alex's.

“I - I can't _. _ I'm sorry, I just - I  _ can't. _ ”

A knowing look settles on Brandon's face. He nods, completely detaching his body from Alex's. It's almost like he's been waiting - like he's been expecting this.

It's fucking awkward, and Brandon's very visible hard on doesn't really help.

Alex wants - needs to be alone. He needs to think. Assess. Re-evaluate. Cry. Scream.

Brandon clears his throat. “I'll, uh - I'll call you, yeah?” Alex nods.

Then he leaves, and Alex breaks.

-

The next time George finds him crying, it’s for a different reason entirely - he’s just broken up with Brandon, for real this time. It didn’t hurt half as much as breaking up with Will had, but it still stung, as all break ups do.

But George makes them both dinner and puts on Alex’s favourite Star Wars film, and they both curl up in front of the TV together, Alex’s head resting on George’s shoulder.

Alex thinks he’d probably die for George.

-

Alex is positive his heart is going to burst out of his chest as he waits.  _ What if he knocked too quietly? Or too loudly? What if Will didn’t hear, what if Will’s not even home right now and his roommates answer the door instead? Has Will talked shit about him to his roommates, do they all hate him? Will they cuss him out when they see him at the door?  _ For a second, he regrets everything and genuinely considers spinning round on his heel and just bolting out of there -

But then the door is swinging open, and he’s met with Will’s pleasantly surprised features.

“Hi,” Alex breathes, nerves making his voice unstable. “I’m sorry - I should’ve called or texted before I came, I - ”

Will shakes his head, lets him in. “No, no, it’s - you’re alright, come on.”

He follows Will to his room, and immediately feels like he’s been punched in the face by nostalgia. He sits on the foot of Will’s bed, and Will joins him. He swallows, fingers subconsciously playing with his hoodie strings. He really should’ve thought this through; he has no idea what to say, where to begin.

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, causing Will to frown. “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. For everything.”

Will doesn’t say anything, just shuffles closer, eyes urging him to keep going, like he can see the cogs whirring away inside his mind. So Alex continues.

“I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe that I truly deserve you. But you’re the only person I ever wanna be with.”

Will just looks at him, looks  _ through  _ him. “You did - you  _ do _ deserve me.” he sounds hurt when he says it, like the very idea of Alex feeling that way pains him.

Alex blinks away inevitable tears. “I’m just fucked up.”

Will shakes his head, taking Alex’s hand in his and intertwining their fingers. “I promise you - we both deserve each other, but if there’s one of us that doesn’t deserve the other one it’s me who doesn’t even come  _ close  _ to deserving you.”

“No,” Alex shakes his head almost violently, “you do deserve me.”

Will smiles at him, soft and sweet and so fond. “And you deserve me.”

They just stare at each other for a moment, and Alex wishes he could read Will’s mind - maybe if Will could read his, he’d know that all Alex wants to do is kiss him again.

And then it all happens at once. Maybe Will did read his mind.

They haven’t kissed in so long, and it feels like home. It feels like everything he’s been missing, everything he’s been wanting, for ages now.

Will kisses him all over; his face and his neck, hands running along the skin underneath Alex’s hoodie, like he’s trying to re-acquaint himself with his body. Re-learn every detail.

Alex angles his neck back, sighing when Will's mouth immediately latches onto the most sensitive spots. Tangles his fingers in Will's hair and tugs gently.

“I missed this. Missed you.” Will mumbles, still sucking marks onto Alex's neck.

And Alex wants to say he’s missed him more, but he just closes his eyes, sinks back into the mattress instead, taking Will with him.

They kiss for ages, slow and soft. It doesn’t go much farther than that, not for now at least - because they aren’t in a rush, they both know they’ve got time, so much time.

Alex knows they’ve still got loads more to talk about, and they will at some point. But, for now, they make up for lost time.

Things are constantly changing - they have to. But there are some things - like Will’s lips against his, how safe it feels to be in his arms, and the everlasting love between them - that will always stay the same.

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve been listening to folklore on repeat ever since it came out and just Crying to it and i think that tells you everything you need to know about my current mental state. i’m REALLY living up to my username here. life imitates art or whatever the fuck my mans aristotle said<3


End file.
